Confession Time

I've always been afraid that the world would someday find out that I am a complete fluke. At this point, I am fairly certain the cat is out of the bag. We're all flukes. Especially me. Despite this realization, a story from my past continues to haunt me. I tell the story to students all the time (this morning in fact). I've told it to my husband and the people at work, but I need to tell it to you. Every time I think about it, I still feel guilty. Think of this as a confession or a testimony to how bad of a person I really am.

This morning during class, one of the TFA corps members I am supervising heard laughing coming from behind her while trying to instruct a lesson pertaining to least common denominators. She made the call: "Amir that's a warning. Geovanni that's a lunch detention."

"But I didn't do anything, " insisted Geovanni. "It was Ashlee." My corps member moved on with her lesson--this is what we teach them to do. The problem, of course, was that Geovanni wasn't lying. He had actually done nothing wrong. Ashlee was completely at fault. Ashlee, of course, remained silent. She was content to let Geovanni take her punishment.

I pulled Ashlee aside after class, and I asked her, "Ashlee, do you know what the word integrity means?"

"No."

"Well, let me tell you a story. When I was in school, I was an overachiever. Do you know what that is? Anyway, I had a fear of failure (some things never change). One day during French class, I panicked because I forgot how to conjugate one of the verbs on a test. In a moment of panicky weakness, I copied the correctly conjugate verb off one of my classmates papers."

"I don't understand."

"I cheated, Ashlee. Simple as that. Now, keep in mind that I am no cheater. I have a very, very strong moral compass--almost overbearing at times--and this is not something I am proud of. But the story gets worse. Unfortunately, another classmate witnessed my indiscretion. This classmate had a reputation for being "the bad kid" so when he raised his hand to tell the teacher, she didn't take him seriously. In fact, I believe, she yelled at him for disrupting the class during a test. Now, the reason I am telling you this, Ashlee (and the rest of you who are reading), is because I am unable no matter how hard I try to get this incident off my mind. What I should have done is raised my hand and said, "Madam, it was me. I cheated. Give me the zero I deserve." If there was someway I could go back in time and do this, I would."

So, Sean Larson, if you are out there: I am sorry I cheated in class and let you take the flack. Madam: I am sorry I cheated in your class and deceived you by pretending to be a good person. Give me the zero I deserve.

On second thought, what goes around comes around... Maybe this is why God made me a teacher...so that I can do penance for my sins.