Today is sackcloth and ashes kind of a day. Honestly, reconsideration of this time old tradition of ripping one's clothes while rubbing one's head in a pile of dust on the street would be good for the American soul (at least mine). If it's good enough for David, Joel, and other Biblical greats, it's good enough for me.
I find it impossible to separate my identity from that of my husband's. This is a natural and good thing--but it makes blogging about myself at times like this difficult because it pushes the boundaries of intimacy and privacy. Nevertheless, (for today) I am going to suspend my privacy rules and rub dust in my hair because I need to (gasp) repent.
I am like a windup-toy doll poster child for the attributes of self-pity and self-importance (it's not funny, dad). Somewhere within myself, I am holding onto feelings of need: the need to protect myself and the need to assert myself. These "feelings", of course, all stem from the same roots (pride and insecurity). How is it that I am able to simultaneously entertain such contradictory states of mind I will never understand. What I do understand is that both feelings cause the same overwhelming emotion: the need to control by whatever means necessary--usually by destroying everyone and everything in my path. When I don't feel protected or cared for, I lash out in attempts to protect and care for myself. When I don't feel appreciated, I lash out in order to remind everyone how important I really am. Talk about an effective means of communication...
Last night, I found myself all wound up again taking shots at the nearest victim (my husband). I used to (?) be this way with my parents. This way of being is destructive, and I repent of it. Praise God I have the freedom to walk away from who I am to become the person he is calling me to be. We have a big God, and there is hope--even for little, bad me.
Happy 50th Birthday, Mom.
Monday, November 9, 2009
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3 comments:
insightful and amazing. i like it when you write.
Yup. We do have a big God. He can be "bad" too. (He delighted to crush his own son, remember (Is 53:10). But he also chose to raise his Son up, and it is for His Sake that God forgives you all your sins. Outside of Christ, you can't be sure how the "big" God feels about you. (Who knows the mind of God?) But Christ is the Word made flesh--God's Word to you which speaks God's love and forgiveness for you (John 1:1 and Hebrews 1:1). Christ is your confidence for it is in his name that you have been baptized and it is his name that you bear. So,in Christ all of us overcome our worst impulses and find our rest.
There, that's my proclamation (Good News!) for you!! Just 'cause I love you and always will--and so will Ryan. And certainly so will Jesus. That's pretty cool.
Love
DAD
A "simple" sorry (genuine)can and does go a long way! Do you remember when you were little and we would ask, "do you need forgiveness?" It was our way of allowing you the opportunity to say you were sorry, sometimes in your own stubborness. Forgiveness abounds in the Christian heart- not only the ability to offer forgiveness, but to receive it as well. Ah, doesn't forgiveness feel good? Oh, and thanks for the birthday wishes!
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